


Hand in Unlovable Hand.

by evashougouki



Series: Ship Studies [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Character Study, F/F, Relationship Study, Slightly Darker than Canon, Unhealthy Relationships, pretty much just exploring malachites mind and jasper and lapis' relationship, yikes they really arent good for each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-29 12:39:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5127980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evashougouki/pseuds/evashougouki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You’re just like me.”<br/>And with a sinking feeling, Malachite's halves realized that it was true.</p><p>Lapis finds out what it feels like to drown.</p><p>(Part one of a series of ship studies.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hand in Unlovable Hand.

**Author's Note:**

> Now, I know that Jaspis is a complicated, often frowned upon ship because of how unhealthy it is. And, while I ship it, I don't try and pretend it's a healthy relationship- I just thing it's an interesting exercise in what could be, and this is my attempt to reconcile both sides and portray their relationship with the proper level of itty-gritty realness it deserves. So just take this as my disclaimer? Word of caution? Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy.

Lapis had thought she would get used to the pain of Malachite after some time. That had been how she’d survived in the mirror, after all, receding into a dull, empty place in her mind. But she couldn’t do that now. Malachite was a fight cornered in a dark alley- the odds could change at any moment, and there was no escape. She was lucky enough to quite literally be in her element, but she felt as though even the water was turning against her now.

Whenever Jasper took control, she was plunged into the cold waters of Malachite’s psyche and, for the first time in her life, she felt like she was drowning- her body cold, lungs aching from how quickly the air was ripped from her lungs. She would think of what she was fighting for, an admittedly fuzzier and fuzzier image, her fingers scrabbling against her restraints until she could pull herself up back to dominance, gasping and heaving.

Every time her control slipped weakened her enough to make it a more and more frequent occurrence, a vicious cycle of control and helplessness. She didn’t think Jasper was faring any better though. She could hear her screams, sometimes, echoed and distorted by the walls of water, and in darker moments, some of her angered thoughts filtered into Lapis’ own consciousness.

That’s what terrified her the most, she thought, those moments when she noticed herself violating her own policy of doing only what was necessary to survive and nothing more. Sometimes she would find herself burning with anger, wanting to make Jasper hurt like she hurt. I’m better than that, she would tell herself in a panic, unclenching her fists and letting the water around Jasper go. But moments like those were getting more frequent, too, her mind melding in with Jasper’s.

It was after Steven found his way into their mind that everything changed. She wanted to do this for him but… she was tired of fighting. Wouldn’t Jasper be just as preoccupied as Malachite as she was in Malachite? Truly becoming Malachite would both protect her only friend and make this pain stop. Win-win, she thought dully.

With a new resolve, she created a mask of water for herself to shield her from the deadly water below her and, taking a deep breath, sank into the freezing, dark depths of their shared mind. Jasper was there, hair and eyes wild, struggling viciously against her bonds. Lapis watched with detached interest- she had to give it to her, she really never did give up.

Unlike you, part of her thought. I’m not giving up. I’m surviving. she thought back bitterly. When Jasper noticed her, she let out a water-choked scream, lunging at her. Lapis yanked back her watery chains, halting her in her tracks.

“I don’t want to fight anymore,” she said cooly, crafting Jasper a mask like her own. She waited patiently for Jasper to choke in the necessary air and return a snarl in her direction. “You and I both know this isn’t going anywhere. You can’t be enjoying this, and neither am I.”

Jasper lunged forward again, mouth opening to say something, but Lapis held out her hand. “Shut up. I’m talking. You can’t win whatever it is you want from this, and I can’t win from this. But, together…” She trailed off, stepping closer to Jasper and kneeling down to her chained height. "We can win, or at least, have a better chance at it."

Jasper laughed- a bitter, grating sound. "I never would have thought you would be so ruthless, girl. You sure are a tricky one. I will do anything to win- don't think this will stop me."

"Of course not. May the worst gem win."

And with that pact of eternal hatred, Malachite was truly born, and Lapis noted vaguely that her thoughts already didn't sound like her own.

\----------

It was strange what being trapped with someone did to you. Jasper of course hated Lapis Lazuli. She was weak-willed and cowardly, and only cared for her own life. For whatever reason, she cared about that weak Rose Quartz child enough to try and protect his merry band of traitor, but otherwise served no master or cause, and avoided confrontation at all costs- all things that Jasper despised. But, despite it all, being Malachite with her gave her a new look on her, and she couldn't help but develop a twisted sense a respect for all she was willing to do for herself.

Her sense of time deteriorated into a muddy haze with Lapis. Sometimes they sat idly, all of their concentration focused on keeping Malachite together. Other times they fought, though now that they shared a mind it was a rare occasion. Still other times- the times she couldn't decide if he she liked or not- they mixed the two ways and she found teeth digging into her neck, small fingers tugging harshly at her hair, nails raking down her back.

"You claim you're doing this for him, but are you really?" she hissed into her ear harshly, "or are you doing it to feel special? You're not a martyr, Lapis."

"And what are you doing it for?" She bit back quietly- always quietly- "Yourself? That's what it really is. You always pride yourself in being a perfect soldier, but you're not. You only care about winning, and throw away every value or moral you have to accomplish that? Does that make you any better than me?"

Jasper shuddered, but quickly blocked her out- the words of such an underhanded coward couldn't be taken seriously.

“Shut up. You just want to survive. You only care about yourself,” a voice hissed, though she wasn’t sure whose voice it was. Malachite’s, maybe?

“You’re just like me.”

And with a sinking feeling, Malachite's halves realized that it was true.

****  



End file.
